my feelings have been in overload lately and i have been worrying and thinking of things wayy too much, so im sorting it out. And this is the way to it.

I think I was wrong from the very start with Nick. Everyone said we were so cute together, i liked him, he liked me, I just guess I didn't think anything could go wrong. We were never dating or anything. We kissed a lot drunkenly at a party in December but I thought about him a lot over Christmas then we kissed a lot again last month. We are just physically attracted to each other. I wanted a relationship, he wanted to get to know me better which is fair enough. I don't see the problem in learning about a person within the relationship rather than becoming friends and never going anywhere else. That is what i feared would happen, and now i know for sure.

We kissed a load the week after aswell, but this time, firstly, was a sober event. And just watching a film, so feelings that were showed that night were real. I was gushing, saying how happy I was and he said nothing. So I asked him straight off if he regretted it and he was like 'oh no no!' but I still just want to get to know you as a mate.

I wasn't exactly happy with that, I could easily have just jumped into a relationship with him. But I guess that makes me desperate. It felt so right though. But when he said he wanted us to be friends first before a relationship, I told him that I wold still want to get with him and he said he was still physically attracted to me so he wasn't going to ban me. But then last night, I get drunk and he does not at this club. I flirt with him a lot and everyone can see it, maybe even him, I don't know but nothing happens because I'm not sure if he wants to. The need to hold his hand was so overwhelming. After he leaves, i texted him saying that i tried so hard not to get with him but i wish i had' and he said 'well thanks coz you know i just want to be friends before anything else' and then i went all desperado saying 'but cant we still get with each other though?' and he never replied. And that's when I knew I had gone too far.

That night I was going over everything in my head and I realised that him saying he wanted to get to know me as friends first was because he was scared of getting into a relationship or because I scared him away. I realised that he probably never wants a relationship with me but was just using that phrase to soften the blow, so to speak. It feels like a cop-out, I told him I would wait for him to be ready but I don't think that's ever going to happen.

I thought that he was the one keep changing his mind and mucking me around. But in my massive thinking session today, I realised that he has said since the last time I kissed him that he likes me but wants to be friends. But I just kept pushing for something more and getting my hopes up. I should have known that I shouldn't be allowed to kiss him last night but my drunkeness made me think it was possible.

I drunk text him all the time and I go and get drunk a lot and this is a barrier between us. i cannot change who I am or what I do, but should I just to bag Nick?! I can't see him making those kinds of sacrifices for me. He does not go out that much, I don't care about that at all. But when talking today, I realised that I force him to drink when he does not want to. He wasn't drinking last night and I made him feel like he was being boring and sad for not doing so, so he bought a pint. While I was doing shots....attractive. I keep trying to get him to come out clubbing and the last time he did, I made him do shots with me. I never realised I made him drink more. I keep saying stuff like 'live a bit', but he is fine the way he is!! And it's just dawned on me now.

I know it is best that way. We got too serious, too soon and I think I scared him off. I don't know if it was all my fault. But I know the conclusion of it all is. Because how I act when I'm drunk, I have ruined what could have been good. I do really like him. I have told him this but he still just wants to get to know me better. I don't see it progressing into a relationship though, and thats what I really wanted. If we do get to know each other better, I think we would have become close friends and then says 'I don't want to ruin our friendsip' or something like that.

That's a flaw I have with guys. I think I have to exposed them to me all the time, so i text, i msn and comment on facebook, but this just scares them away. I do it coz I need the reassurance that someone actually likes me for a change. And he does. And I ruined it. I kept asking questions like 'where is our relationship going?' and I just killed it. He got tired of my incessant-ness within a week.

He made me feel like my lifestyle was the reason for everything. It probably is, but I cannot help that. I was willing to be patient coz I thought the prospect of a relationship was there, but I have seriously lost hope for that. We will kiss each other again in the future, I can feel it, but I don't think there is anything more. Me liking to party should not get in the way of it. I like BECAUSE he does not go out all the time and is different to the guys that do. They are not nice people. You get with them to make yourself feel better but you don't actually want anything to do with them. I don't want him to feel like he needs to get pissed to be around me. That's just ridiculous. As I am being right now.

We will be good friends. I can deal with that. Sure.....

well. i failed my driving test. AGAIN. i can't believe it- i was sooo sure that i did well this time. but that's the thing- i AM a good driver, it's just those little things that make me fail. for example, today, i pulled out and there was a cyclist there,so the examiner had to brake. fair enough, it is a serious thing, but if that cyclist hadn't been there, there would not have been a problem- its all about luck and chance.
i am seriously so fed up with trying to pass this test as i know that i am a fully competent driver! it is soo frustrating. i hate the nerves before the test and the money. since i have been working at claires, i have spent it all on lessons and tests- i want it to stop! PLEEEEEEEASE :[

i haven't written in here for a while, which i count as a good thing; coz before, i had soo many pent-up feelings that sometimes i would write in here twice a day- but atm, i don't feel the need. but right now, i thought came through my mind- "i fancy writing in my LJ". it was strange.
i'm getting my emotional feelings again. i hate it. i go through stages of being all weird and depressed inside, through no-one else knew, to being completely happy and bubbly. the first feeling was with me a few weeks ago coz my mum was just stressing me out and i just had coursework etc etc.
now, everything is just fine. i actually thought that this month has been the best. i have been to parties, gigs and just generally going out- yet i still have some money. its fab. i went to party last week, then lostprophets, then i went to a gig last night, cinema and a gig tonight and i think im doing gigs tomorrow with karoake!! jam-packed weekend, which is great, except that i must start revision soon. exams are coming up faster and faster, and i haven't looked at a thing. with all this going out, im only managing to get my homework done. i'm also working more at claires, so im knackering myself out, yet i can't stop.
in october, i went through this phase of having to go out every night just so i knew that i was doing something, and not sitting at home dwelling on what everyone else is doing, and feeling like a loner. when i had no money, i had no choice but to stay in, but now, i have got that october feeling again. i am constantly making arrangements to go out- i feel compelled to. feeling tired doesn't bother me atm. i just get on with it. like today- woke up, went to work [10-6], came home for 1/2 hour then went to cinema, then grabbed taxi to the pub. i love the feeling of DOING something. i hate sitting on my arse, being un-productive. i CANNOT do it. its impossible for me. my mum tells me that i will burn myself out, and shes probably right [i was ill this week], but i dont care atm, im having a ball.
also, atm, i love going to parties. if i hear about a party, im there, whether im invited or not. it sounds so desparate, but i loved them, and i love meeting new people. i dont care if none of my form are there; as long as there is alcohol and recognizable faces then im good. i dont like gatecrashing, but i dont like missingout either. i am the worst person for missing out on things. if i dont go, i will constantly dwell on what could've happened and "i bet it was well good" etc etc. i beat myself up about it. like last night, there was a party but i didnt go as the transport was difficult etc etc [it was just complicated] and even though i had a great time at the pub, i wish i had gone. i am constantly ringing people up to make arrangements with people for parties, most of my money goes on tranport and credit- i am getting through soo much credit, its ridiculous. sometimes i wonder why i bother, but then i get there and its all explained it me.
i love my life at the moment, all i need is a guy to complete it and reassurance that my exams will be ok xxxxxxxxxxxx

i haven't been bothered to do my usual thing coz i have been quite busy. on monday, i watched saw 3 with my sister- it is gross and goes wayy too far. im surprised they let some of it in the film tbh.
Tuesday i went to see dreamgirls with neilson. i love that film. the acting and the songs were brilliant. i want to the soundtrack album. shame rachel couldn't come.
Wednesday i had drama rehearsal but it was alright coz i got to go home early as they were rehearsing a scene i wasn't in, so i came home and watched the O.C that i taped the night before.
Thursday i had arts club. it was soo much fun. there are new volunteers and kids so getting to know new people is great and i have made better friends with toni and jess. oh, a melissa's brother curtis. i love that club. i get to be a big kid!
Today, was ok i suppose. Lessons were a bit pants, but i had a fun lunchtime, listening to the likes of spice girls and all-american rejects. Tonight I have another drama rehearsal and then i am gunna come in, rest whilst watching ugly betty and then girl, interrupted, which i taped last saturday and havent had time to watch.
Quite a good week really topped off by a quiz tomorrow night, which should be fun- i love quizzes.

this weekend has been soo good. i had a great time.
on saturday day, i didnt particularly do anything except finish homework and sort of my new phone. then i had to collect nat as she didnt know where she had to walk to get to my house.
we then went to the mill inn for a gig with the submission, claire's boyfriend's band. loz, kirsty, sarah, lorna and claire were there. we had a few drinks and watched the submission (they were on first) and then we got kicked out coz we were underage. which is stupid coz we should still, technically, be allowed to sit in there.
then we stood around deciding what to do for a while and getting cold. some random weirdos started talking to us and offering us drink, was which a bit suspicious. so we decided to go the alma in town, so we got a taxi. it was only 9 o clock by this time. and i had only £2 left. it was a bit boring at first and but we started playing drinking games and it was soo funny. it was mathmetical and i started getting confused, but it was great.
all in all good weekend.

well today i have incredibly pissed off. lorna and sarah are treating me like shit atm. they act stupid all the time, but as soon as i do something, im an idiot. everything i say, they criticize, so i dont say anything and then they moan at me for that!! they keep saying i'm being boring, but i dont want to talk to them if all they can do it take the piss out of me!! i had to get this out on here coz i cannot trust anyone except my sister, and shes out. all of my friends are rubbish at keeping secrets. i have told louise bailey though, but i feel like i have to relief it from myself further. i just hope no-one i know reads that.
sarah on her own is absolutely fine, but as soon as is with lorna, they act stupid. i used to be better friends with sarah than lorna, but since i didnt go anywhere with them in the half-term they seem to have become stuck up each others asses!! i cannot talk to sarah without lorna being there. everyone had noticed how they have become so close. i suppose thats why it affects me the most coz lorna used to be better friends with me, same with sarah, now they've left me to be best buds with each other and then be bitches to me.
eventually im going to have to say something, coz i honestly think they dont realize they are doing it coz they do it so naturally. they say it in a jokey way, that hurts, but they're like "we're only joking", but it makes no difference, coz i know they meant it.
rant over.

well today i have incredibly pissed off. lorna and sarah are treating me like shit atm. they act stupid all the time, but as soon as i do something, im an idiot. everything i say, they criticize, so i dont say anything and then they moan at me for that!! they keep saying i'm being boring, but i dont want to talk to them if all they can do it take the piss out of me!! i had to get this out on here coz i cannot trust anyone except my sister, and shes out. all of my friends are rubbish at keeping secrets. i have told louise bailey though, but i feel like i have to relief it from myself further. i just hope no-one i know reads that.
sarah on her own is absolutely fine, but as soon as is with lorna, they act stupid. i used to be better friends with sarah than lorna, but since i didnt go anywhere with them in the half-term they seem to have become stuck up each others asses!! i cannot talk to sarah without lorna being there. everyone had noticed how they have become so close. i suppose thats why it affects me the most coz lorna used to be better friends with me, same with sarah, now they've left me to be best buds with each other and then be bitches to me.
eventually im going to have to say something, coz i honestly think they dont realize they are doing it coz they do it so naturally. they say it in a jokey way, that hurts, but they're like "we're only joking", but it makes no difference, coz i know they meant it.
rant over.

well, today, i bought myself a new phone! it was only £50 and im soo happy as my old one was a piece of shite. its blue and has a camera, video and bluetooth. i may not seem like a big deal, but my old phone had nothing. i've only had one new phone ever, so this is brilliant.
same old day really, nothing special. mr wilkinson asked us to do a report, which has really annoyed me as i have just completed my english and geography coursework and now the ball's rolling again!! grrr
i went to the doctors today after school, so was running late, as always and this car crashed into a wall outside!! and then a van crashed into the back of it. proper drama, i couldnt believe it. anyway, i have to book a blood test, so i will have to take time off for that next week.
i have done absolutely no homework tonight. i dont have any that desparately needs to be in so thats ok. i just wanted to do my pyschology essay in advance, but sod it. i really am in no mood for it.
i came in, had my dinner, watched thats so raven and then watched a film. its called Wendy woo: homecoming warrior. totally cheesy disney film , but i loved it.

today was just regular. went into town today with rachel for a good ol' catch-up, i hadn't spoken to her properly in ages. i've seen a phone that i want in the carphone warehouse, which is £50. its not great, but its a huge improvement on the one i have now. so, im trying to persuade my mum.
had english mock today. omg, sooo hard. the second question were fine, but the third question, i had no idea. next week should be a fun experience.
went to my nan's after school. i hadn't seen her in a while. i love my nan, she makes me laugh so much, she's just bloody funny. we watched the weakest link and then louis came round a ruined it coz he wanted to play power rangers.
just came back now, done a bit of media work. then, pyschology. then shower and O.C and skins repeat. yes.

had an ok day today. firstly, english mock, first thing this morning. such a bitch. i think it went ok. it could have been worse. however, we had the whole doube lesson and the book, so in the actual exam i'm going to be screwed.
then media, which i love. we had to move stuff into the new building for mr cullis and me and louise had the most hilarious time. we had such trouble carrying our stuff- they were only magazines!! but in our defence, we had a lot and they were slippery.
in pyschology, i felt soo tired and i could not concentrate. i could not remember anything from that lesson if you asked me it now at all.
then, DRIVING LESSON. that whole word fills me with dread. i went to folkestone through alkam. it went fine, no probs. then on the way back, i did a hill junction, and stalled. 90% of hill junctions i stall. i don't know why, but i do. i think now, its happened so many times that i know i'm going to stall, so i do, but not deliberately. oh, and i have trouble getting into 5th gear. just keep going into third.

once i came in from that, i layed on my bed and rested my eyes for half hour. i was tired, annoyed and had a huge headache. now, with the prospect of geography coursework before me, the headache has returned.
on that note, i end.